Innocence

During a healing session in Bali, I couldn't perceive or discern my left foot from my right ear. I couldn't feel myself... as if... I had... no self. Through Fields of Gold, my body cried marble tears and felt joy for the very first time.

I spent months uneasy with the diagnosis of PTSD. In my ego-construct, PTSD was exclusively reserved for war veterans, refugees, and car crash and assault victims. It turns out, shame had me believe that I wasn't worthy of the PTSD diagnosis, ie of its healing...

Ever come home from school with a 99% and had your Asian parent ask you where the 1% went? How about coming home with 109% and still being asked there the 1% went. When the voice of "You're not enough!" are internalized, it turns to shame. Then under the magnifying glass of filial piety, it turns to self-hatred.

I once went sunset paddle boarding off the pristine beaches of Boracay, in the Philippines. I had my shiny new iPhone sealed in a high grade water proof case, clipped around my neck. As I was mesmerized by the sunset, I felt like a dip so jumped into the ocean for a swim...

Even though I had a near breaking point when I had to poop in a plastic bag inside my tent, I felt invincible because: no one can offload their shit onto me, no one could steal my joy. No one. And that is the kind of invincibility I wish for you.