During one of my Ayahuasca retreats, I was already in purging position (yes, they do teach you how to purge most effectively, and dare I even say most gracefully!). Bruno, one of our god-sent facilitators, was playing the guitar. And when he sang the words “mi amor," I thought of dad… which was weird because I've never associated dad with love.
He Was Never Taught Love
Obviously I feel immense respect and gratitude for my dad, but in my world, he was associated with: duty, going above and beyond to put food on the table for us, handyman extraordinaire, Leonardo Da Vince-like tinkerer and a chandeliering passive aggressive mumbler, who doesn't communicate nor navigate the EQ terrain well. Not his fault, he was never taught Love.
So I felt very, very sad that father ≠ love. I wept. For me. For every little girl who never had a father. For every woman who had a father, but he ≠ love. "I'm sorry," I heard myself say. Wait, what?!? This voice snapped me out of my sorrow. What do I have to be sorry for?
Strengthening Trust Muscles
I did EVERYTHING my dad expected of me, above and beyond! I was his perfect daughter, his most compassionate wife, his hyper-capable co-parent, his wise marriage counselor, his compassionate therapist, all at the same time. It was f*cking exhausting wearing so many hats!!! So what did I have to be sorry for? (Until this day, I'm shocked that I didn't end my own life under the crushing weight of all these roles, plus 4 businesses that I ran to financially provide for my parents and siblings).
[There's not need to list here a mile long list of international awards, six-figure scholarships, TV/newspaper appearances, etc. by the time I was 20, to prove my point that I went ABOVE and beyond what was demanded of me.]
Back on my mat at the retreat center, I kept looping over, "What did I have to be sorry for?" like an indecisive tourist circling a European roundabout. I was SUPER easy going, HUGELY responsible, HYPER intelligent, creative, and resourceful. I gave him and our family EVERYTHING, every second of my time/attention, every penny of my bank account (eg. bought them a car, put a down-payment on their home, etc.). What the f*ck did I have to apologize to him for?!?
He should be apologizing to me! And yet… my body knew there was an indescribable truth and significance to apologizing to dad for… something (and to be ok with the fact that I may never know what that "something" is). This is surrender. Every surrender strengthens our trust muscles, our ability to trust in ourselves, others and Life.
Forgiveness Unlocks Acceptance
I’ve done a ton of forgiveness work when it comes to my parents. I know, like know know, that they did the BEST they could. And at a Scared Contract level, before we all incarnated to Earth, they even agreed to limit their own consciousness 🤯, so as to serve as a spring board for my enlightenment (albeit via very twisty, agonizing, painful ways).
I mean, who other than two super duper loving beings would do that?!? Limit their own consciousness so that their daughter could illuminate the world. Can you even imagine what that's like, what a sacred gift that is?!? F*ck! 🤯🤯
So even though I had no idea at the time why I was apologizing, that surrender and recognition of "this is a first!" popped me out of the roundabout mind loop. And pop, the purge came out! When I opened my eyes and asked the heart of my puke bucket, “What is this?” (a little post-purge self-inquiry ritual I created), it said, "Patriarchy."
In that moment, I grasped the magnitude of what just happened:
- I purged the entanglement with dad, realizing that he's but 0.00001% of this larger Wounded Patriarchy and served as a gateway/trigger (however agonizing) to my higher consciousness.
- That after "Ayahuasca Plus 10 Years", my mind, body, heart and spirit were finally all aligned, in order to release the bondage and abuse of egoic patriarchy over women, from my mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and karmic energy fields.
- In an instant, I knew that my own inner masculine/father/provider was healed too. Liberated, in fact! This is called atonement: the dissolving of suffering in one instant of forgiveness/apology.
Remember: atonement can feel like an “overnight sensation,” but it is actually a sloooooow cumulative process, a convergence of doing "the work" over and over again until you can bare it no longer, then doing "the work" some more past the breaking point... until one day, the miracle of atonement graces you and liberates you.
Are you still game?
Time warped. All the above revelations and comprehension flashed in under a second. I took a deep exhale, tied up the plastic baggie (before my Ayahuasca school went plastic free), and ceremoniously walked it over to the garbage bin.
I knew this was a big deal, a HUGE deal. With my arm fully extended, my fist clutching a very heavy baggie full of purged patriarchy 🤮, I opened my fingers and the bag 'o vomit dropped to the bottom of the garbage with a boom!, as if Jupiter just hit Earth.
Who in the world could have predicted the Snakes and Ladders game that would liberate me once and for all from patriarchy?!? 🤯
1,000 Reclamations for Freedom
💎 Reclaimed my abdication from my roles as wife, co-parent, marriage counselor, and therapist to dad
💎 Reclaimed my whole and healed inner father/provider/sky holder
💎 Reclaimed my "Get out of Jail Free" card from filial piety
💎 Reclaimed the full permission to succeed as me (not as the best while millionaire man I could be)
💎 Reclaimed my freedom from patriarchy