It's been a rough Autumn for so many of us, especially the sensitive ones. And for even more, it's been a rough year, a rough decade even. From divorces to spiritual flus, custody battles to funerals, dark nights of the soul to lonely emergency rooms, it's been rough.
What always gets me through the darkness, with peace in my mind and joy in my heart, is meditation. But the last two years, I reached a point where meditation alone no longer sufficed to carry me through. That's when I surrendered to the power of prayer.
They started as simple as:
- Please hold my hand. Please hold my hand. Please hold my hand through this.
- Please send me comfort in this time of need.
- Please take away my these oppressive thoughts.
- Please show me light. Please show me love.
I suppose I was speaking to Life the Universe / "God", asking for help that I wasn't able to provide myself. And you know what, after a while, comfort did arrive, oppressive thoughts did leave, and a loving presence did hold my hand.
Dang, had no idea prayer could be that powerful. And when my spiritual flu hit me for 6 weeks at the end of the summer, I was comforted to know that I at least had prayer on my side.
And yet... somehow... meditation plus prayer couldn't get me through that dark night of the soul. As powerful as prayer was, it no longer sufficed either. That terrified me to my core. I had nothing to grab onto, not even prayer. It was an endless free fall into The Void.
And that is when I discovered the power of begging for mercy. Not praying for mercy, but begging. On the floor, convulsing, sweating, drooling, ugly crying, BEGGING for mercy. Begging for the spiritual torment to stop, begging for the pain to leave, begging for the war to end.
And that, my dear friends, was an incredibly humbling ego death: I was no longer too proud to beg, to beg for mercy. In fact, it's the very moment that I heard myself say, "Oh wow, I'm not ashamed to beg" that everything stopped. All the hundreds of voices in my head went silent. All the pain in my body vanished. All the inner war stopped.
Damn shit, I didn't see any of it coming! And all this because a decade ago, I said 'yes' to freedom and 'yes' to entrepreneurship, not knowing that I was signing on for a spiritual quest of TOTAL liberation. Damn shit, is right!
With the help of soul sisters who are mystics, shamans, healers, seers and spiritual badasses, I learned that this section of my journey, from spiritual flu to begging for mercy, was brought on by my inability to forgive myself. I chose these sacred contracts, I chose this pain, I chose these lessons, I chose this self-abuse. How do I ever forgive myself for choosing this insanely painful, isolating life as an empath, an HSP, a clairscentient and a mystic?
Not sure... I'll let you know when I have an answer.
In the meantime, as I listened to Marianne Williamson's "From Tears to Triump" audiobook for the 20th time, one of her prayers (that she said with a client who fell from grace) struck me through and through. I hope it brings you as much comfort and self-forgiveness as it has for me.
Dear God [Life / Universe],
I surrender to you the pain that is in my heart.
I give to you my failure, my shame, my loss, my devastation.
I know that in you, dear God, all darkness is turned to light.
Pour forth your spirit upon my mind and help me to forgive my past.
Make my life begin again.
Restore my soul and bring me peace.
Comfort me in this painful hour, that I might see again my innocence and good.
I have fallen, dear God, and I feel I cannot rise.
Please lift me up and give me strength.
Set my feet upon the path to peace and help me not to stray again.
I pray for forgiveness.
I am crushed by my failure.
Please show me who I am to you, that self-hatred shall not defeat me.
Help me remember and reclaim my good.
Help me become who you would have me be
and live the life you'd have me live, that my tears shall be no more.
Amen. [Namaste / Thank you]
It's been rough year, it's been a rough decade. Let's meditate, pray and/or beg for mercy together that 2020 is infinitely lighter and brighter.
1,000 RECLAMATIONS FOR FREEDOM
💎 Reclaimed the power of prayer
💎 Reclaimed the power of mercy