I don't drink alcohol. Ever. I don't drink coffee. Ever. I've never smoked a thing in my life. Other than prescription pain killers after removing my wisdom teeth, I still only use children's ibuprofen, for sports injuries once or twice a year.

So for me to be lead to plant medicines, which I had never even heard of 6 months prior, divine intervention was definitely at play. Never did I ever imagine that I'd sign up for a 3-moon 100k/10/98 retreat:

  • 4 days, 3 nights, 3 Aya ceremonies,
  • next full moon: 4 days, 3 nights, 3 Aya ceremonies,
  • next full moon: 4 days, 3 nights, 3 Aya ceremonies.

Hey, if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it all it, full out!

I specifically chose my entheogen retreats in a psychotherapeutic context, with extensive group debriefs with trained psychotherapists. It wasn’t to get high. My life was more than high enough.

I wanted deep, permanent healing and vast, permanent freedom... from the past [link to self-hatred blog], from my traumas [link to passive trauma blog], from filial piety [link to bog] and patriarchy [link to blog].

There are no words (yet) to describe the experience...

Ayahuasca In Words • Attempt no. 1

Ayahuasca In Words • Attempt no. 2


But where I was the clock...

Ayahuasca In Words • Attempt no. 3

Ayahuasca In Words • Attempt no. 4

... as if the plant medicine fried my self-harming circuits and the urge to touch the cupcake was gone.

Ayahuasca In Words • Attempt no. 5


First day home, post-retreat, I kept having aha moments every 4-6 minutes. I couldn't stop them, nor did I want to. A week later, the inundation of aha moments subsided to one every few hours. More to come...

With infinite grace,

xo, Ella

First Published Nov 8, 2017)


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