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Oct 29, 2024
By Ellany Lea
3176 views

Grief Autopsy • Name the Losses to Find What You Seek

Have you found what you're seeking?

quote - cannot find lost


To my fellow seekers, here's a truth biscuit 🍪 – you cannot find what you don't know you lost.

Grief is the emotion of loss. It's natural. It's necessary. It's by design.

Grief can serve as a sacred pause and a looking glass into what we truly cherish/value and who we truly want to be.

But if denied, suppressed (conscious avoidance) or repressed (unconscious defense mechanism), it acts like food poisoning: incapacitating us and/or projectile vomited onto others.


quote - let die let live


Grief needs to be met.

Grief needs to hear, "Your pain is real."

Grief needs to hear from you, "I'll go slow with you."

If you don't let your past die, it won't let you live.


3 Types of Grief

CLASSIC GRIEF
From loss of a person or healthy part/function

Examples

  • Death of a person or pet
  • Miscarriage, divorce, loss of custody
  • Loss and/or paralysis of body part and/or function
  • Loss of sight, hearing, taste, smell and/or touch
AMBIGUOUS GRIEF
From an intangible, invisible and/or invalidated loss

Examples

  • Death of a dream (eg. of being a biological mom or chief astronaut)
    • Sounds like: Does it count as a loss if I never had it in the first place?
  • Loss of personhood (eg. the person I used to be, parent with Alzheimer's)
  • Loss of potential, time, opportunity, what could have been
  • Loss of ability to feel and/or self-express
  • Loss of agency (eg. enslavement by patriarchy, constantly reliving of trauma)
  • Loss of closure due to sudden death or end of relationship
  • Loss from relocation, refugee flight or expulsion
    • Sounds like: Does it count as loss if I'm the one who left?
COMPLEX GRIEF
From ongoing or prolonged loss

Examples

  • Loss of childhood or preverbal safety => pervasive distrust of self, others and/or Life
  • Loss of belonging => daily loss of connection, intimacy and/or being known
  • Loss of the life I once knew and loved => chronic loss of identity and support systems

Each loss can be further flavored by varying intensity, timing, quantity and scope – see Flavors of Grief 🌶️🧂 in footnotes.


quote - barrel anacondas

 

A Grief Autopsy

For better or worse, my approach to freedom is, "Why open a can of worms when you can unleash barrels of anacondas?"

If you're of the same penchant, join me for a Grief Autopsy. So you can live. Truly live. Fierce and free type of Liiiiiive!


Disclaimer no. 1 • A Grief Autopsy can be decimating before it is liberating. The only way out is through 🍪. A Grief Autopsy is a powerful Opportestiny™ to...

... courageously dredge your psyche and release the depth and beauty of your soul

... break down your ego's scaffolding against your sacredness and end past haunting

... alchemize grief into glory and free your genius so it can free the world
OPPORTUNITY +
 TEST
 +
 DESTINY


Disclaimer no. 2 • You may want a trusted coach / therapist / conscious friend on hand, or at least nourishing food/environment or comforting items (eg. pillows, blankets, plushies) to cradle your emotions.


Mini-Quest

✏️  Go ahead, name your entire life's losses

  • Tap into your knowing
  • Tell the truth (at least to yourself)
  • Name aaaaaall the losses: personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, bodily, spiritually, intangibly, invisibly, "invalidly"


Ellany's Losses

If you run out of ideas or losses to grieve, here are all of mine! In alphabetical order 🤪. 

Use words in parenthesis as synonyms or standalone losses. Contact us to add suggestions.

Classic, Ambiguous and Complex Losses Table
Loss of Agency
(yang power, decisiveness)		 Loss of Appetite for life
(desires, dreams)		 Loss of Assessment of reality
Loss of Balance of novelty/stability Loss of Balance of self-sufficiency/dependency on others Loss of Balance of work/play
Loss of Balance of tears/laughter Loss of Belonging Loss of Childhood
(carefreeness, ease)
Loss of Choice
(free will, self-empowerment)		 Loss of Deservingness
(right to have, receptivity, resourced, provided to)		 Loss of Dignity
(sacredness, respect, self-respect)
Loss of Equity
(justice, equality)		 Loss of Feelings (range/depth of emotions)
 Loss of Emoting of feelings
Loss of Focus Loss of Freedom Loss of Genius
(talent, potential)
Loss of Guidance
(championing, stability)
 Loss of Humane-ness (self-mercy, self-forgiveness, right to imperfection, grace) Loss of Identity (integrity, self-acceptance)
Loss of Innocence
(preciousness, cherished)		 Loss of Intimacy
 Loss of Joy
(wonder, awe)
Loss of Needs
 Loss of Nurturance
(warmth, affection, tenderness)		 Loss of Peace
Loss of Presence
(embodiment, grounding, centeredness)		 Loss of Prosperity Loss of Protestation of injustice/harm
Loss of Radiance
(yin power, vitality, delight, pleasure, Beauty)
 Loss of Relevance
(to matter, recognition, appreciation)		 Loss of Right/ability to rest/relax
Loss of Safety
(protection, self-protection)		 Loss of Self-compassion  Loss of Self-esteem
(self-worth, confidence)
Loss of Self-expression
(creativity, originality)		 Loss of Support
(ability to receive, to ask for help)		 Loss of Thriving
(right to fulfillment)
Loss of Time
(impact, contribution)		 Loss of Trust in self
(instinct, inner compass, intuition)		 Loss of Trust in goodness of life
Loss of Trust in people Loss of Validity
(birthright, right to be/exist)		 Loss of Wholeness
(roots, Home, origins) 
Loss of Will to live Loss of Worth   


quote - not easy worth it


For the extra credit seekers and slightly masochistic ones 😛, here's an Advanced Mini-Quest.

Advanced Mini-Quest

✏️✏️✏️  Connect-the-dots between each of your Parts and each of your losses

 

    • List all your Parts in columns
    • List all your losses in rows
    • For each Part, go down that column and checkmark all its losses
    • If you have OCD like me, feel free to use this legend instead of plain ol' checkmarks
      • 💢💀 Murdered (Part's primary loss)
      • 🔪 Smashed (Part's secondary losses)
      • ½ or ¾ (Part's partial losses)
    • If you're gunnin' for the "burn, baby, burn" phoenix fire 🔥❤️‍🔥🐦‍🔥, then examine each row and mark with an asterisk * the universal losses suffered by every single Part of you 😭😭😭


Ellany's Grief Autopsy

Grief Autopsy and Universal Losses - Ellany Lea

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It takes a Spiritual Gangster to attempt a Grief Autopsy. When you come out the other side, I promise you much, much:

  • clarity in the mind  🧠
  • peace in the heart  💖
  • joy in the body  👣
  • and nectar in the soul  ⭐️.


Flavors of Grief 🌶️🧂

Intensity

  • Abbreviated grief - low to medium intensity + short duration
  • Acute - high intensity + short duration
  • Traumatic - any intensity + long duration

Timing

  • Immediate grief - instant crumbling in or lashing out (can lead to under-functioning or over-functioning)
  • Inhibited grief - in shock, suppressed (deliberate avoidance) and/or repressed (unconscious defense mechanism)
  • Delayed grief - late onset, often due to major competing life events and/or denial of loss
  • Anniversary grief - cyclical and/or triggered by certain events/people/places
  • Prolonged grief - doesn't subside or worsens
  • Anticipatory grief - in advance of actually loss (eg. impending divorce, announced layoff, terminal cancer), it can sometimes reduce the grief from the actual loss but does not eliminate it

Quantity

  • Singular grief - due to one loss
  • Cumulative grief - due to multiple overlapping losses

Scope

  • Individual grief - on one person's mind, heart, body and/or soul

  • Collective grief - on family, community, nation, and/or global

↑ Back to 3 Types of Grief Table

(First Published Aug 22, 2023)

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Ellany-Lea-Pen

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Having lived, died and traveled 131 countries, 87 emotions, 16 career reinventions, and 46.5 traumas, Ellany Lea inspires and guides women overachievers, phoenixes, wisdom keepers, and entrepreneurs to free her genius, so it frees the world.

Type • Tool Grief / Letting go ✦ Mind-knowing ✦ Heart-knowing Opportestiny Truth / Discernment Reclamation / Integration Freedom • Emotional Freedom • Mental Freedom • Creative Freedom • Cultural Freedom • Physical Most Read ✓